Secret Shame
by Domina
Summary: Sam has a secret he desperately wants to keep hidden but Dean finds out. EMAIL ME WHAT YOU WANT TO HAPPEN
1. Suspicion

**Secret Shame**

**Chapter 1 Suspicion **

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine, I'm just borrowing them but the plot is my own.

Summary: Sam has a secret he desperately wants to keep hidden but Dean finds out.

WARNING: Deals with Self Harm.

Dean had been driving for 2 hours straight and his eyes were beginning to hurt. 'Dude, you wanna drive for a bit?' Dean looked over at Sam who was currently staring out the window, oblivious that his brother was talking.

'Hey!' he smacked him on the shoulder which made Sam jump in fright. He looked over to his brother who had raised his eyebrows.

'Stop daydreaming, do you want to drive for a bit?'

'I'm too tired…' he said as he watched a sign go by saying "Dave's Motel 1 mile ahead", '…why don't we stop for the night?'

Dean had seen the sign too and it was getting pretty dark so he decided to stop at the Motel. He could do with some rest after all.

Once they got the keys for their room, which was paid for using Dean's credit card under the name Ted Hammer, they started towards the door.

'Lucky number 6…' said Dean as he pushed the door open with his foot. Sam followed behind him who closed it, the room was dark until Dean turned the light on. It was fairly basic; there were 2 single beds ahead and a table and chairs to the left.

Sam threw his bags on the bed and started rummaging through them to get his night wear. He headed for the bathroom on the far away wall, 'I'm gonna go get changed…' he said.

'What can't change in front of me?' Dean sniggered as he lay down on his bed closest to the door. There was no word from Sam except the closing of the door.

It had been like this for a few months now Dean had noticed. His brother always changed for bed in the bathroom and would come out with a long sleeved top on and boxers whereas before he just stripped down to his boxers and jumped into bed. Dean didn't think it was anything to worry about but it still made him curious.

The bathroom door opened with Sam dressed exactly as Dean had predicted, he went into bed and fell asleep quite fast. Dean lay on his side staring over at his little brother.

Something had changed with Sammy in the last couple of months, he didn't know what but there were so many small things that set off his big brother alarm bells that something was up.

Dean hated chick flick moments so preferred to stay quiet until he felt Sam was in real danger. He would make sure to keep a careful watch over his brother. Sighing, Dean rolled over and tried to sleep, faintly aware of Sammy's groaning while having another nightmare.

Morning came too fast for Sam's liking; he didn't have the energy to get up for another day of hunting. He barely got enough sleep last night after having his ritual nightmare of Jessica dying.

Dean kept shouting his name, giving him light punches to force him to get up. He just groaned and rolled over hoping Dean would magically disappear.

'Sam! Get your ass out of bed, now! We have a lot to do today…' Sam groaned again and held the covers tighter into him.

'That's it', Dean mumbled. He took a handful of covers and pulled them out of his brother's grasp, still unmoving Dean then grabbed Sam's arm to pull him out of bed forcefully when there was a loud gasp.

'Argh, Dean! Watch it man…' Sam exclaimed, rubbing his arm warily. He sat up, grabbed his clothes and started heading to the bathroom to get changed when a hand stopped him on the shoulder. 'Dude what's wrong with your arm?' Dean said, narrowing his eyes while glancing at Sam's arm.

'Nothing, it's fine, you just gave me a fright, and I'm going to get changed…so…' he looked at Dean's hand on his shoulder, preventing him from going anywhere. To Sam's relief he let go and allowed him to go get changed.

Leaving a confused Dean in the bedroom he locked the door behind him. Breathing heavily he closed his eyes while unconsciously cradling his arm into his chest.

That was close, he thought. Sam opened his eyes and looked at his arm, he pulled up his sleeve to reveal a series of fresh cuts slashed across his arm, and there were also many old scars.

He had started cutting himself a few months ago. In a fit of rage he smashed a mirror and not understanding why he took one of the broken pieces of glass and dragged it across his wrist, hissing as he felt the pain but smiling when the blood started to flow.

It made him feel…free. All of his pain disappeared, it was as if a burden had been lifted, a tightening of his chest gone.

He didn't want to die at all; life was so precious to be wasted like that. The cutting just made it easier for him to live each day feeling alive.

He felt ashamed that he had to keep it a secret from Dean but he knew that Dean would never understand, he would think that he was a freak.

Even though he felt like a freak, he didn't want his big brother thinking that of him. No, Dean must never know, he thought. Although it is getting harder to hide it from him, he is too observant and notices the small changes.

Sam felt around inside his pocket, 'Ow…' he pulled out a blade, he had pricked his finger when trying to pull it out. He needed to cut. To get through the day, right now he felt panicked and he didn't like that feeling.

He walked over and sat on the closed toilet seat. Looking at his cuts he smiled and brought down the blade, pushing deep into his skin. Closing his eyes tightly he tried to make as little noise as possible.

Slowly slicing through his skin he could hear it tear and leave a gaping wound behind, blood flowing freely. Looking down he was satisfied, he grabbed a towel and damped his arm, trying to stop the bleeding. The wound needed stitches but he didn't care. He just had to clot the blood and then he would fix it later.

He had already spent about 5 minutes in the bathroom and knew Dean would start getting suspicious.

As soon as he had stopped the bleeding and quickly cleaned up as much as he could he stood up and headed for the door.

Sighing, he put a smile on his face and walked out. Dean was ready with the bags in his hands, standing at the door.

Dean looked up when Sam came out the bathroom. Took him long enough, what the hell was he doing in there, he thought. He noticed the forced smile on his little brother's face and couldn't help but ask, 'Are you ok?' he raised his eyebrows.

Looking surprised, Sam replied. 'Of course…so we going or what.' Dean seen right through his lie, Sam could never lie well, even as a child.

'Yeah let's go' said Dean. He let Sam go out in front of him watching his every move.

They squinted in the early morning sun as they approached the gleaming car. Still glancing at his little brother he decided that something was wrong and he was going to find out what. After all that is what big brothers are for.


	2. Big Brother

**Secret Shame**

**Chapter 2 Big Brother**

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine, I'm just borrowing them but the plot is my own.

Summary: Sam has a secret he desperately wants to keep hidden but Dean finds out.

WARNING: Deals with Self Harm.

Two drips on his forehead forced Sam to flinch, awaking him from his slumber he opened his eyes, staring at the ceiling. Gasping, he saw Jessica in an awkward angle staring down at him with emotionless eyes.

'NO!'

Flames burst out, enclosing her in a burning blanket. Sam unable to do anything stared, his heart clenching at the sight of his girlfriend dying.

Dean looked on as Sam jerked awake from another nightmare. Furiously blinking he became aware of his surroundings.

'Sam…you alright?'

'Yeah, I'm fine', he said coughing.

There was a tension between the two boys which perplexed Dean. He was worried about his brother and it seemed Sam was feeling anxious as they kept exchanging small glances. The sun was beginning to go down and the sound of their rumbling stomachs was not unheard in the quiet back roads they were travelling.

'There is a Diner not far from here, I seen it on the map, we will stop to get something to eat then we can try find a place to sleep ok?' Dean said with one hand on the wheel and the other rubbing tiredly at his bloodshot eyes evidence of his lack of sleep!

'Ok whatever…'

Dean glanced over, taking in Sam's appearance. He was slumped back in the seat with his head leaning against the window looking at the world go by. He looked very tired but there was also an element of sadness in him. Dean understood that Jessica's death must be very hard on his brother but this was something else, he just knew it.

He didn't quite understand what it was that made Sam behave differently. Could it be himself? His fault for dragging him everywhere, forcing him to hunt when he made it clear that it wasn't the life he wanted. Maybe he missed school and his friends and just wanted to get rid of his big brother. It hurt Dean thinking like this but maybe it was true. The only way to find out would be to ask him, find out what is wrong.

They pulled into the Diner car park, the sun had already hidden behind a vast stretch of trees making the atmosphere cold. Sam followed behind him, the ringing of the door filled the air as they entered.

'There's a good seat over there Sam…'

In the back of the diner they sat down, the place seemed friendly enough although a few of the customers looked a bit strange Dean noticed lifting his eyebrows.

'What can I get you two boys?'

The waitress stood there waiting for them to order but all Dean could do was smile as he took in her slim figure and her small uniform.

'Uhhh…'

She rolled her eyes and looked to the other brother prompting a response. Sam ordered and just shook his head at Dean's stupid behaviour laughing slightly.

'You looked like a real goofball smiling like that you know?'

'Whatever' he said, throwing a napkin at him …'so did you find out anything else about this family then?'

'No, I didn't have time to look.' said Sam staring at a couple with their arms round each other heading for their car.

'Are you friggen kidding me here?

Sam looked at him with a weird look on his face that stopped his brother in his tracks.

'Sam what the hell have you been doing? I am in charge of weapons and you are the study geek. It's your job to do the research!'

'Hey man I'm sorry I just…forgot to but I will when we find a motel so don't worry.'

At that moment the waitress walked over, 'Here are your fries that you ordered and 2 Root beers enjoy.'

Dean didn't say anything else after that; he kept looking at his brother as if trying to figure out something in his head. The meal was uneventful and before they knew it they had found a motel and were walking in the door.

Throwing the keys on the table Dean went and relaxed on the bed close to the bathroom.

'Man, I'm so tired…I'm taking a break from driving tomorrow, you can do it for a change!'

Sam had settled on the bed beside his brother with the laptop setup, carelessly searching for anything that would be helpful in their hunt. He ignored Dean's mumbling while concentrating fully on his last minute research.

When he was done he closed the laptop looking over at Dean who smiled back in a patronising way Sam thought. His brother never went to sleep before him; he always waited till Sam fell asleep first which annoyed him.

'Dude go to sleep…' he sighed.

'You first', smiling he bounced up leaning his back against the headboard. He watched as Sam got clothes out of his bag and locked the bathroom door behind him. Beginning to frown Dean was struck with an idea and suddenly smiled. If he was caught his brother would try and kill him but it was worth the risk he thought, just to see if there was anything wrong. Dean crept over to his brother's bed, listening intently to the movement in the bathroom. He reached over and grabbed Sam's backpack, quickly rummaging through it, looking for anything out of the ordinary.

The bathroom door unlocked and Sam walked out to see Dean lying face down in bed already asleep.

That's weird, he thought, he never goes to sleep before me. He must be really tired, it was now Sam's turn to become confused, although he just crawled into bed with his long sleeved top on and lay down to sleep.

Soon enough Sam had fallen asleep, Dean could tell by his heavy breathing. Turning around he let out a breath he didn't realise he had held in. Making sure his brother was asleep he pried the bag from under him. When he had heard the bathroom door opening he flung himself on the bed, with the bag resting under his stomach while feigning sleep.

Quietly, he looked in the bag, giving quick glances to the bed beside him. He moved things aside, mainly clothes. He didn't know what he was looking for but knew that he had to find out what was up with Sammy. He wanted to make sure he wasn't imagining things. There was definitely something wrong and it was very unlikely Sam would tell Dean. When confronted Sammy usually went into a shell and put up every barrier preventing you from knowing the truth.

It must be something serious, Dean thought, if it is affecting him like this. His behaviour is different also his eyes that were once deep brown filled with wonder are now dull and dead. Nearly giving up on his search he withdrew his hand when his eyes caught something, there was a secret compartment in the bag, a small zipper that you could only see on the inside of the bag if you looked very closely. Unzipping it he put his hand in, his face screwed up as he felt about. Finally feeling something Dean pulled it out and laid it in front of him.

This is strange, he thought, picking it up he held it against the little light coming through the window from neon lighting outside. It was a blood soaked bandage, maybe he hurt himself during the last hunt, but why would he keep it, he thought to himself. Putting it down he looked in the compartment again, this time he pulled his hand out in a flash with a hiss of pain. Something had pricked his finger, something sharp. Reaching in again he pulled out a razorblade which had stain dried blood on the edge if it.

'What the hell…' he mumbled.

He looked sharply around at his brother who was still sleeping. Dean just stared at what he had found in his Sam's bag. What does this mean? He thought.

Sammy wouldn't…he couldn't hurt himself. He is too smart for that and if it's true then_why_ would he do that. All he kept thinking was…why?

With his mouth slightly open in shock he began to think over everything that had happened in the last couple of months. It makes sense, the strange behaviour, the long sleeved tops to bed, the constant bathroom trips.

I have been so blind, he chastised himself, and I should have figured it out at the beginning!

Dean felt his eyes fill up for a second before he shook himself, there was no need to get emotional. He had to be strong for Sammy's sake, he threw everything back in the bag and lay down frantically thinking of what his next move would be. How would he approach it with Sam, he had to be gentle and understanding yet firm.

He couldn't let him continue to hurt himself, it was out of the question, and he had to find a way to stop him.

Dean didn't understand why he would actually cut himself; it was horrible to think that his little brother was doing that. Dean was supposed to protect him against anything but how is he supposed to protect him from himself?

For the first time in a while Dean was scared, he didn't understand what was going on and he felt lost, he didn't know how to help his brother. Although nothing would stop him from trying. He began to plan his early wake tomorrow and everything he would do that day. They were supposed to go question a family that seemed to have an angry spirit attached to their house but none of that mattered to Dean anymore.

His family was more important, Sammy needed his help and nothing could get in his way from fulfilling his role as the big brother.


	3. Runaway

**Secret Shame**

**Chapter 3 Runaway**

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine, I'm just borrowing them but the plot is my own.

Summary: Sam has a secret he desperately wants to keep hidden but Dean finds out.

WARNING: Deals with Self Harm.

**A/N**

**Ok, so my writing is a bit rough, although how do you like the plot? I have many ideas for exciting scenarios later on in the story. I won't carry on with it though unless people want me to. So read and review please…tell me if you want a Chapter 4 and onwards!**

**Thank you, happy reading!**

It was early in the morning; the sound of tweeting birds outside filled the room. Dean sat at the table looking over at the other bed which resided his little brother. His mind was working in over-drive while he thought about what exactly he would say to Sammy and if he should say anything at all.

Of course I should say something, if I don't he will just keep doing it and I couldn't handle that, he thought to himself.

Thankfully Dean was able to formulate a plan before Sam groggily awoke, rubbing his eyes after a good nights sleep. Completely unaware of the sleepless night his brother had because of him.

'Dude your awake?' Sam sat up fully in bed looking over at Dean in surprise.

Smiling he said, 'Yeah, the damn birds outside woke me, I swear I'm going to shoot them before we leave.'

This produced a snigger from Sam who then started looking about the floor.

'Hey, wheres my…never mind I see it.' Walking over he grabbed his backpack and headed for the bathroom.

Dean watched him the entire time and when he realised he was going into the bathroom he jumped up, 'Uhh why don't you just change out here?'

'Because…I need a shower. Why? Do you need the bathroom?'

'No, it's just…never mind it's cool' Dean waved it off implying it wasn't important.

Sam looked at him strangely while Dean put on an innocent façade. Sighing heavily as Sam closed the door behind him Dean smacked his head, 'Stupid!'

After that Dean tried to collect himself, he felt really scared not knowing how to approach his brother. He hated chick flick moments, he was never good at emotions but now he had to be. He had to have a conversation with his brother with no jokes and no snide comments, it would be hard.

Sam emerged from the bathroom and went to sit with his laptop open on the bed.

'Ok, so I couldn't find out a lot about the family but the house is a different story. It was built 30 years ago and according to the…'

'Sam, stop…'

Sam looked up, confused and noticed his brother looked…worried. The atmosphere was tense, nobody spoke, and they both looked at each other, Sam waiting for Dean to say something. Several times Dean began to speak but stopped,

'Listen I know…umm I mean, you see…'

'Dean spit it out man!'

'Why don't we take a break today?' he raised his eyebrows in question.

'Take a break?' laughing he looked at his brother as if he had grown another head.

'Yeah, I mean we've been working so hard lately and it's only an angry spirit, it could wait a day…or two' he said smiling.

'Dean, we haven't hunted anything in like a month! How the hell have we been working so hard?' Sam frowned.

Dean walked over sitting on his bed across from his brother he closed the laptop, Sam looked apprehensive while continually staring at him.

'Listen, I want to talk to you.'

Sam groaned, 'I don't wanna talk, you have gave me the whole speech about how Jess' death was nothing to do with me, I get it, and the nightmares aren't that often anymore either ok? '

Sam stood up from the bed to walk away signifying the end of the conversation until Dean grabbed him by the arm and shoved him back onto the bed.

'I don't care if you don't want to talk and it isn't about Jessica or your nightmares. It's something else.'

Sam looked angry after been dragged back down and told he was going to talk no matter what.

'Then what the hell is it, have you heard from dad?' he said eagerly.

'No, I haven't heard from dad.' He rolled his eyes.

'It's just…' he coughed 'how are you feeling?'

As soon as the words left Dean's mouth through a twisted face, Sam's eyebrows shot up in the air. Beginning to get worried Sam started shifting about on the bed.

'Why…why do you ask?'

'Dude, come on, can't a guy ask how his little brother is feeling now and then?'

'Uhh, yes but not you. You would rather face a scary ass demon than talk about emotions. What's wrong?'

He sighed, 'Ok true' he looked at Sam's top then had an idea, 'why are you wearing a long sleeved top? It's boiling outside when the sun comes up, have you ran out of T-shirts cause you can borrow one of mine if you want?'

Panic flashed across Sam's face and Dean seen it in an instant. So it's true then, it must be. Should I just come out and ask him about it, I don't know what to do, Dad I wish you were here.

'No no I'm fine, honestly.' He gave a small smile in reassurance.

'Sam, I…' casting his eyes around the room, he tried to find the right words to say. 'Do you want to go swimming? We haven't done anything together in ages…'

'Dean, we hunt together all the time.' He said raising his eyebrows, sniggering.

'Nah I mean having fun, there is a lake nearby, you can even wear you best bikini' he said smiling and giving him a small wink.

'Haha, very funny, do you not want to do anything else? I'm not fond of swimming, we could drive into town and catch a movie or something?'

'I really wanna go swimming…' he thought he might be pushing it but he wanted Sam to say something, tell him why he didn't want to go swimming.

'Well go yourself then!' he blurted out while getting up to walk away. Dean stood up at the same time gripping onto his left arm. It didn't come as a surprise when Sam flinched while hissing at the vice grip his brother had on his arm.

'What are you doing, let go of me!'

Dean wasn't playing anymore, his face was deadly serious and his stare was solid as he looked at Sam. His mind wasn't in control anymore, his body had taken over and he couldn't stop himself from tugging at Sam's sleeve as to pull it up but he met resistance. Sam tried to pull his arm out of his brother's grasp but Dean was too strong.

'Dude! What are you doing? Let go of me! Dean, please!'

Dean eventually won the battle and pulled his sleeve up. The scars and cuts looked up at him angry and red, he immediately let go of his brother.

Sam was angry but shocked at what had happened. Dean was staring at him with sadness and pity in his eyes, Sam didn't need pity, especially from him! He thought.

Dean had no right to look at my arm, how did he know anyway? He didn't think he had been that obvious so how could he…oh no, he must have looked in my backpack!

He began to shout, 'Don't touch me ever again! Or my stuff… it's none of your business!'

Dean continued to look on at his little brother, 'Why? Why did you do that to yourself?' he said hoarsely.

Although his voice was hoarse his eyes were still firm on Sam's. There were so many cuts and scars; he didn't think it was that bad before he had seen them. He couldn't help but feel guilty, he was the big brother, and he was supposed to protect him from harm. Look what Sammy has resolved to, why couldn't he come to me if he was hurting? I would do anything to help him, he should know that…

Tears were brimming Sam's eyes, he didn't need this, and it wasn't anything to do with his brother, why would he care anyway. His anger persisted to rise; he looked about the room, anywhere but Dean's eyes. He was asked a question but he didn't think he was ready to answer it yet, not to his brother.

'Look at me!'

Sam reluctantly looked back at Dean and noticed that he too was beginning to get angry.

'It doesn't matter! It's … it's not important ok?'

Sam marched to the front door and flung it open ready to walk out until a foot slammed it closed again; he spun round to reveal a very angry Dean who pushed him back into the door...

'Don't you dare walk out of here!' he said in a deathly whisper.

Sam looked into Dean's eyes and for the first time in his life he became frightened of Dean. Unable to say anything he stood there slightly trembling. Dean pointed to the table and ordered him to sit. Unmoving Dean widened his eyes in warning, grabbing him by the upper arm and forcibly pushed him into a seat with a face that said clearly, 'don't argue with me'

Sam realised there was no getting out of this conversation. Dean wanted answers, and when Dean wanted something he usually got it! Sam kept his eyes on the table downcast as he heard his brother bang a chair down in front of him slightly to the side and sit in it.

'Sam…'

No response came from Sam; he continued to stare at the table wishing he were somewhere else. It is all too hard, Dean is going to ask a lot of questions but I don't think I have the answers. So what if I do cut myself, it helps, it makes me feel alive, I don't understand why he is so angry.

'Sam! Look at me' he waited till he seen Sam's eyes lift up to his, 'why are there cuts all over your arm?'

Sam opened his mouth to respond when Dean exclaimed, 'And don't you dare lie to me!'

Sam's stomach clenched in unease as Dean said that, he averted his eyes from his brother, how did he know I was gonna lie, I swear sometimes I think this guy is psychic.

Sighing, Sam looked at his big brother, he didn't want to tell Dean anything, it was his problem, and he can handle it. Dean doesn't always have to be involved in everything, he thought.

'Listen Dean, you weren't supposed to find out about it, it's just the way I cope with things, no big deal…'

'No big deal!' Dean was dying to knock some sense into his brother but didn't think that would help, it wasn't going well so far. 'Sammy…'

'Sam!'

'What?'

'My name is Sam not Sammy ok?'

'Right fine. Sam. Just tell me why? Why are you doing this to yourself man? What is so bad that you feel the need to slice your arm apart?'

Sam flinched when Dean finished the question, he didn't like hearing the disappointment in his brother's voice. It hurt him.

'It's…it's hard to explain.'

Screwing up his face Sam tried to think of what to say, it was apparent that he didn't want to talk at all but Dean was obviously really worried about him and he didn't want him to worry.

'How long?'

'What?'

'How long have you been doing it? The…the cutting'

'Umm does it matter?'

'Of course it matters Sam!'

'Humph' Sam didn't want to answer it but the look on Dean's face changed his mind.

'Uhh, not long.'

'For god sake Sam just answer the question.'

'I don't want to alright?' he said angrily.

Sam started playing with an imaginary piece of flint on his sleeve, trying to ignore what was going on. It all felt surreal as if it was a dream. Maybe it is a dream, I hope it is…

'Ok Sam either you tell me how long you have been doing it or you can tell me why! It's up to you!'

Sam thought about it, I could just tell Dean how long, it would be much easier than telling him why.

'A couple of months…'

'Just a couple?' he raised his eyebrows.

Sam looked at Dean.

'Remember Sam, if I find out you are lying to me I will kick your ass!'

'What so you're threatening me now?'

'Yes' he said stubbornly.

'Ok ok, I started like 4 months ago.' He looked up to see Dean's reaction but he saw…nothing. His face was blank of emotion, that can't be good can it?

'Why didn't you come to me at the beginning? Instead of doing this?'

'It's hard to explain Dean.'

'Why do you do it?'

'You said-'

'I lied, sue me.'

'No Dean, I'm not doing this…at least not yet, I need time…please' he looked pleadingly at his big brother his voice trembling.

'Hmm…alright. But we are going to talk about it soon! For now I don't want to see another mark on your arms…and I will do a daily check if I need to!'

Sam looked at Dean exasperated 'You're a freaking jerk do you know that!'

'What are brothers for…' he smirked.

'Your not gonna keep checking up on me…'

'You want a bet?' Dean's eyes were wide and firm, it was clear he was in charge.

Sam had enough of the conversation; he glared at Dean before standing up.

'Where are you going?'

'Out!'

'No your not-'

'You want a bet?' Sam smirked as he mimicked his brother from earlier. Dean looked taken aback and he left it too late to react as Sam was already away out the door.

Damn it! Real smooth Dean, real smooth. I had a plan, if only I stuck to the plan! At least he knows I know, that's something. That means he wont chance doing it again, I hope. Sighing, he threw himself back into bed, glancing at his watch it read 10.55am. God, how long were they talking for? Dean slowly closed his eyes; he was really tired after a bad nights sleep before. Sam will be fine, he is in a huff the now but he will be back and Dean would be alert and awake for him. The noises outside drifted away as Dean relaxed and fell into an undisturbed sleep.

Sam was furious, he was walking in great strides not knowing where his legs were taking him but anywhere was better than that motel room! Daily checks, he scoffed, I can't believe him! How will I cut? I need to cut…I doubt he will understand. God he is such a jerk! It is none of his business! Why doesn't he see that! Just because he is my big brother doesn't mean he can tell me what to do anymore, I'm not a kid!

He found himself in a forest clearing not far from the motel and sat down on a rock, big enough for 3 groan men to sit on it. Glimpsing at the sky he watched a bird fly past a puffy white cloud, when suddenly he tried to suppress the sobbing that followed but couldn't. Everything had been messing up for him recently, it was too much for him to handle. Tears flowed down his cheeks with each heart wrenching sob, he curled up on the rock, wrapping his arms round his legs.

Sam cried. For the first time since his dad was missing, the first time since Jessica's death he let it all out, instead of cutting he let the forest hear his cries. And that's the way he sat, he couldn't stop himself, he was crying for everything that he felt was unfair in his life, for all the bad things he had done to his brother and his dad, the way he treated them, his attitude and total lack of respect. Sam felt worthless, he didn't deserve their love, and he wasn't going to impose in their lives anymore.

Dean always had to look out for Sam, always had to be there to save his life or get him out of trouble. He must be sick of it, Sam thought, I would be doing him and dad a favour by going as far away as I can. They wont miss me, they will probably be happy that I am out of their way so they can continue to go after 'The Demon'.

Sucking in a deep breathe, Sam wiped his face using his sleeve and just stared at the moss covered ground. He had walked at least a mile away from the motel so Dean wouldn't find him just yet. He could sit and think for a while, glancing at his watch it read 2.45pm.

Ok so I have been gone about 3 hours, nearly 4 so Dean should come looking for me in about an hour if I know him at all. By then I will be long gone, Sam looked ahead with hardened eyes, he was determined. He didn't want his brother to look at him knowing just how much a freak he actually is. It would be better to get away, even though he didn't have any of his things with him, he would survive, after all he had been brought up well, he knew how to look after himself.

Sam stood up and began to walk out onto the road, he would walk on the side of the road until someone picked him up, anyone, he didn't care. A snarl came from above as the clouds twisted in grey swishes, rain started to beat down on his lean body. Sam hugged himself and clenched his teeth, life was already throwing obstacles in his way just to make things harder for him, he thought bitterly as he strode on wondering what his brother was doing.

Sam lost track of time, the rain had stopped and left the sky looking gloomy and dark but it also left him soaking to the brim, he was too cold to unfold his arms and check the time. By looking around him Sam would estimate that it was about 7 pm as the sun was no where in sight. No car had past by him yet but he listened intently for the sound of an engine when unexpectedly he heard one. A surge of hope and a longing of warmth lit up inside him, the sound was quite a distance away but he could still hear it and it was coming from behind him. Turning around Sam squinted in the dark to see the car come speeding along the road, he put out his hand wishing that the car would stop for him. It wasn't until it had stopped did he realise it was his brother's car. Sam looked on in horror, he couldn't move, he just stared at the car and his brother as he jumped out the drivers seat, banging the door closed.

Dean was pissed off, anger radiated from him, it was enough to make Sam back up until Dean advanced on him.


	4. Father and Sons

**Secret Shame**

**Chapter 4 Father and Sons**

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine, I'm just borrowing them but the plot is my own.

Summary: Sam has a secret he desperately wants to keep hidden but Dean finds out.

WARNING: Deals with Self Harm and some strong language.

'Oh shit!'

'Yea…' Dean snarled while seizing his brother under the arm and pulling him towards the car.

'No! Let go of me Dean, I'm not-'

Sam was cut off as Dean whirled around irritated and slapped the side of his head, hard.

He stared with such ferocity that it made Sam fearful of resisting anymore but he had some dignity, he wasn't going to give up that easily, just because his big brother said so. He quickly stopped his watering eyes as a result from the sharp blow the head.

Dean spoke very slowly 'You better get in that car, RIGHT NOW!'

Puffing out his chest Sam replied 'Or what, are you going to make me?' he raised his eyebrows in question.

What followed next was very unexpected, Sam was taller than Dean and heavier so the fact that Dean somehow managed to grab his arm and legs, flipping him over his brother's back was an achievement. Too shocked to react, Sam felt himself get thrown into the back seats of the car lying on his front while the door slammed shut and Dean sat in the driver's seat.

Breathing heavily Dean started the engine, turned the car around and began driving down the road back to the Motel. It was completely dark now and Sam was happy for that, it meant that his blushing face wasn't clearly visible.

Still soaking from the earlier rain Sam sat there sniffing from a possible cold.

'Don't be such a cry baby!'

'I'm not crying!' Sam exclaimed while continuing to mumble 'fucking jerk!'

'What did you say?'

'Nothing.'

'No Sam! If you want to say something to me then by all means go for it! But don't mumble under your breath, you got that?'

'Whatever'

Dean had enough of his brother's attitude; he brought the car to a screeching halt leaving the engine running.

Sam began to get apprehensive when the car stopped, watching Dean as he pulled out his mobile phone.

'What are you doing?'

'I'm phoning dad!'

'What?' he cried out

'Did I stutter?' He looked around and stared Sam in the eye while continuing to find his father's number.

'What will you say?'

'I will tell him exactly what the problem is and that he better come to Indiana!'

'No! I don't want him to know, please Dean! He'll get angry…' Sam's voice trembled as he spoke that last word which was enough for Dean to turn around in his seat to look at him again.

'He needs to know'

'No, he doesn't! I won't do it anymore I promise, please Dean'

Sam's eyes were begging him to put his phone away but he wouldn't do it, Dean had to take charge, Sam was his responsibility and he had to make sure he stopped hurting himself. Even though Dad and Sam always fought with each other, deep down Sam was terrified of their father and Dean knew this. He was the only one that could put the fear of god in Sammy and now he needed him to help his little brother realise what he was doing was stupid.

Shaking his head and pointing the phone at him Dean said, 'Nope Sammy, you can give me those puppy eyes all you want but I'm not budging this time! I let you off the hook when you said you didn't want to talk about the cutting and then I wake up to find you have tried to runaway?'

'Ok, I'm sorry I tried to runaway, it was stupid but-'

'Sammy he has a right to know!'

'NO he doesn't, don't you get that? It isn't any of your business and it isn't his either, it's mine!'

'We care about you Sam!'

'Yeah I know that but…you don't have to call him, please Dean he will just make it worse like he did las…' he looked away '…I just don't want him finding out.'

Dean put the phone up to his ear and let it ring, watching Sam put his head into his hands defeated. As usual the answer machine came on and Dean started his speech, he had to make sure his father knew the severity of the situation.

'Hey Dad it's me. Listen…. we have a problem. And I really need you to come to Indiana. We are staying at Dave's Motel, 5 miles off of Interstate 75. It's about Sam…'

Dean glanced at him and saw him clenching handfuls of hair on his head.

'…he tried to kill himself.'

Sam's head shot up like a bullet when he heard his brother say that.

'No I didn't!'

'Shut up Sam!'

'Give me the phone! Now!'

'And then today he tried to runaway but-'

Sam reached to grab the phone out of his hands but he had a tight grip on it so they fought over it.

'Give me it Dean!' he screamed.

'Sam let go!' Dean shouted.

Dean smacked him in the face and he fell back into the seats groaning but the mobile phone had closed shut, cancelling the call.

Rubbing his nose Sam sat up angrily 'Why did you say that!'

'Because it will get him here faster, you can explain to him that I was wrong and exactly what is going on with you because I don't have a clue…'

'No you wouldn't would you.'

'What's that supposed to mean?'

'Forget it.'

Dean stared at him annoyed and whipped around while driving back to the Motel. Sam gazed out the window in a trance for a long time until he realised they had arrived.

When they stepped in the door they still hadn't spoken to each other since the phone call. Dean locked the front door behind him and pocketed the lock.

'So you're locking me in now?'

'Have you got a problem with that?'

Sam just huffed at the injustice of it all and threw himself onto his bed. He heard Dean throw his keys on the table and pull out a chair although he couldn't see but Sam could still be seen. Looking over he spotted his backpack beside the bed, just an arms reach away, if only he could get it without Dean noticing and get his blade.

Trying to be as quiet as possible Sam put total concentration on the bag and slyly reached over, slowly edging a bit further every time until he seen a foot slam down on top of it. He retracted his arm and looked up quickly to a stern face. He watched his brother go into the bag, take out his blade and throw it over the other side of the room. Shaking his head at Sammy he walked away and began to collect every sharp thing in the room, he was taking no chances.

Sam angrily rolled over and tried to fall to sleep as there was nothing else he could do; he was locked in the room with the very person he didn't want to talk to right now.

Hours passed and Dean's digital watch beeped 5.00am and he looked over to see his little brother still sound asleep. They had arrived back at about 10pm and Dean had yet to move from his chair.

He didn't know where his dad was but wherever it was he was sure he would get here before the next day if he thought Sammy was suicidal. Dean didn't know much about why Sam was cutting himself but he knew that he didn't want to kill himself.

So much had happened today, thinking it over gave him a headache. He rubbed his temples trying to ease the pain when there was a knock at the door. He looked up in surprise and then over at Sammy who was still asleep. Grabbing his knife he approached the door warily and looked out through the keyhole. Sighing in relief he opened the door to reveal his dad who was very worried looking.

'Where is-'he said with his rough voice.

'Shhh!'

John was in the room now and looking over at Sam sleeping; he moved towards the bed and knelt down beside him.

Dean sat back in his seat and watched on from the sidelines. His dad was gently stroking his hair with Sam completely unaware. He must be really tired, Dean thought, usually he would wake up in fright if you touched him, I don't think an electric drill would wake him up at this point. Dean sniggered as he had the idea of trying it out to see it he was right but dismissed it.

Something caught his eye; his brother's arm was hanging over the bed. He crept up to where his dad was kneeling who looked around at his appearance. Dean knew that Sam wouldn't show their dad his arm when he was awake so the brilliant idea struck him to show him now when Sam was sleeping like the dead.

Dean whispered 'Dad, look…'

He slowly rolled up Sam's sleeve, careful not to awaken him and there they were a selection of cuts and scars. There must be at least 40, Dean thought. He looked over at his dad to see his reaction but saw….nothing.

John abruptly stood up and pulled his eldest son up with him then began to yank him in the direction of the front door. Closing the door behind them, they stood outside.

Breathing in deeply John looked Dean in the eye 'Ok son tell me what's been going on, I want to know everything!'

'Well first of all umm he didn't try to commit suicide. He just keeps hurting himself with a razor blade that I found, about 2 days ago, in his backpack. I didn't know he was doing it, I realised something was wrong with his strange behaviour but honestly sir I didn't know-'

'It's ok Dean. So what happened yesterday?'

'I tried to be subtle about it but I…I lost it and forced him to show me his arm, then he tried to storm out of the room but I wouldn't let him-'

'Good thinking.'

A brief smug smile quickly appeared on Dean's face but just as fast it disappeared.

'…yeah so then I tried to get some information out of him but all I got was that he has been doing it about 4 months, he won't tell me why though. After that he went out for a walk and I fell to sleep. I woke at about 7pm and he still wasn't back so I went out in the car to look for him and dragged him back – he was trying to runaway.'

Dean watched as his dad tried to acknowledge all this new information about his youngest son.

'You did the right thing calling me.'

'He didn't want me to but I felt I should.'

'Oh I bet he didn't!' he said as a dark look flashed across his face.

Dean felt uneasy, he knew that look, and it always meant trouble. He was concerned for Sammy but knew this was the only way to get threw to him.

'As soon as he wakes I will talk to him, for now, you go to bed you look exhausted!'

'Are you sure dad cause-'

'Yes, go! I will sit on the chair…'

He held up his hand to stop Dean from arguing and it worked, they then walked inside.

Several hours later, a groggy Sam woke up and yawned which alerted a jittery Dean. He sprang up losing his balance and fell off of the bed. Sam looked over and laughed unaware his dad was sitting over the other side of the room watching the scene intently.

'Look at the state of you'

'Shut up…'

'Boys that's enough'

Sam spun around to see his dad, Dean stood up beside his brother only to realise that Sam was shaking. He looked at him in confusion then to his dad who was approaching them.

'We need to talk' he said sternly

'N-no we don't.'

'Yes. We do! Dean if you will excuse us.'

There was a pause, Dean didn't move, he watched the two of them stare the other down.

'What? No I'm staying.'

'Very well then' He said unblinking

Sam was in obvious distress which made Dean extremely worried, he could see him slightly trembling but trying to stay strong with the growl on his face. He was taking small steps back which his dad didn't realise because he was looking at his eyes only.

'Dad…you didn't have to come here I told Dea-'

'Of course I had to come! Do you think I don't care about you?'

Sam shrugged.

'Well I do! Like it or not! And this…' he waved to his arm '…has to stop at once, do you understand me?'

'But-'

'Don't you dare talk back to me...' he began to speak in a deathly whisper '…I said it will not happen again, is that understood?'

Dean was looking apprehensive, he knew Sam wouldn't do as he was told and his dad was about to get furious. He was only getting angry because he loved him so much and didn't want to see him hurting himself, at least that's what Dean thought.

Sam was breathing deeply trying to suppress what he would soon regret to say by biting down on his tongue.

'Whatever'

'Sit down at that table now, we are going to talk this out.'

Both Dean and Sam sat down in front of their dad. Somehow Dean felt like he was in trouble too but he didn't understand why he would be. But nevertheless he sat quietly and waited for the wrath of his father.

'Why are you cutting yourself?'

Sam looked away 'You wouldn't understand…'

'Try me.'

Fidgeting in his seat he glanced at Dean with a death glare as if blaming him for this.

'Dean had every right to phone me.'

John knew the boys too well, every glance they shared he understood.

'Dad…I don't see why it is important, I said I would stop doing it.'

'Yes…' John said raising his voice as he got angry '…but you have to remember something Samuel Winchester! That's what you said the last time as well!'

Dean widened his eyes 'What!'

John stared at his youngest son who was fighting back the tears while he squirmed in his seat.

'Sam what is he talking about?'

When he didn't answer, Dean looked to his father for answers, 'Dad?'

'When your brother was a teenager, about 17-'

'Dad please, I don't want him to know.' Sam said as he avoided eye contact with Dean.

He didn't tell Dean that he had self harmed before but then again he didn't ask, he only asked how long he had been doing it this time.

'Sammy…' Dean looked at him 'Look at me!'

When Sam raised his eyes up to meet his he said 'I thought this was the first time you done something like this? You lied to me.'

Sam looked away feeling horrible, he didn't like keeping things from Dean but this was personal, something his dad promised he would never tell anyone. Sam sat nervously biting his lip, I can't do this, he thought, and it is the past, why is he bringing it up now? He just wants to see me hurt.

'Dad, you promised me.' He said through clenched teeth.

'I think it is about time Dean knew.'

'Knew what, tell me already!' demanded Dean

'Son, I understand that it is personal to you, you went through a lot and I thought I helped you get over it but I was obviously wrong.'

'No no I have got over it…' he said anxiously.

'Apparently not.' John said with disappointment on his face that Sam picked up on right away..

Sam sucked in a breath whilst standing up, his father also stood.

'Sit!'

'Dad please-'

'Samuel!' He warned him

'Sammy just sit down, whatever it is, I wont…I wont judge you.'

He looked at Dean who seemed sincere and then sat back down with his chin touching his chest staring at the table.

I can't believe this is happening, Dean was never meant to know this, but what can I do? I can't make my dad keep it a secret. Ok, just keep your head low, don't make eye contact and don't speak, it will be over soon, he thought to himself sullenly, this is so embarrassing.

John sat down and began to tell Dean what happened.

'When your brother was 17 years old I discovered that…' he coughed and looked at Sam '…he tried to kill himself-'

'What?' Dean screamed looking shocked at his father.

'Dean! Sit down now and listen!'

He didn't realise he had stood up, he couldn't understand what he had just been told, Sammy tried to kill himself! I can't believe this, he thought, all this time and I didn't know! He looked over incuriously at Sam who refused to look up.

'…As I was saying. The school nurse phoned me and told me that had been found in the toilet bleeding to death. They also told me that they noticed Sam had many old scars on his wrists which he didn't explain. Sam believed he was cursed, that your mother died because of him…' John noticed a shiver surge through Sam, so did Dean '…and so he was punishing himself for it. I tried talking to him, telling him the cutting wouldn't help and he promised he wouldn't do it again…' He looked at Sam '…but he has broken that promise and so he has broken the trust he earned between us.' He said harshly.

They both looked at Sam, who hadn't moved or said a word the entire time. It pained Dean to hear that his brother was so sad that he no longer wanted to live and to know that all these years he had no idea. He wanted to hug his brother, hold him tight and never let go. He couldn't imagine growing up without him by his side but it could have happened.

'Sam-'

'Don't…' he said tersely '…I don't want to talk about it.'

He looked up fiercely with new fire in his eyes and glared at his father.

'I hate you' he said every word with venom.

John looked hurt while Dean shouted at Sam's retreating back that went into the bathroom. The door slammed shut and it was bolted.

'Dad, are you ok?'

'Yes, it's not me you should be worrying about. It's your brother in the bathroom.'

'It's ok; I took out every sharp thing I could find.'

'Good boy' he said with a sad smile.

'So…why didn't you tell me?' Dean looked hurt.

'You have to understand Dean that your brother swore me to secrecy and I thought by keeping his secret he would stop cutting, I was wrong.'

'How can he be so stupid to think that he is the cause of mom's death?' he said shaking his head.

'He isn't stupid Dean, he is… hurt and confused'

Dean sighed staring at the plain white bathroom door, he wondered what Sam was doing, how he was feeling…

'Sir?'

'Yes?'

'What are we going to do?' he said with a tremor in his voice.

John looked at him closely.

Dean looked troubled as he sat there staring at his dad. John knew that his eldest son felt that it was his job to look after Sam and by hearing that his little brother tried to kill himself…John knew that Dean would be blaming himself for it.

'Don't worry; we will get through it, together as a family. Your brother needs us now more than ever. I won't be leaving for a while. Everything will be-'

He was cut off by Dean who had started crying softly, tears began to spill over his face that usually held no emotion. Slightly taken aback John stood and immediately went to his son's side, hugging him tight. More sobbing came, bottled up anger and worry for his little brother pushed him to the edge where he couldn't handle it any more. He gripped onto his dad's top, muffling his cries while John rubbed small circles in his back.

'Shh, it will be fine, let it out son. Let it out, it's alright to cry.'

Minutes passed until Dean composed himself, wiping away any evidence of what just happened.

'I'm sorr-'

'Don't be! Do you hear me? Never be sorry for showing emotion, not at a time like this.'

Dean nodded in acknowledgement and started towards the bathroom door. He sat down at the door whispering his brother's name.

'Sam…Sammy.'

No response came and the door was still locked shut.

Still feeling emotional Dean tried to talk to him, 'I'm sorry. I never imagined you ever felt that bad, that you blamed yourself for mom…' he breathed in glancing at his Dad before saying '…But just know I am always here to talk, always.'

John still sat at the table watching with his heart clenching as his two broken down sons sat at either side of a locked door with Dean whispering comforting words to his little brother.

'Sammy…please' he whispered.

He suppressed a sob that was threatening to break the surface and cleared his throat. Sam never knew how much he cared for him, how much he wanted to protect him. Dean would die to shield him from danger without thinking. Why didn't he come to me, I'm his brother.

I just wish he could be happy and not have the knowledge of the supernatural things out there. I-I want him to have a normal life. Sam has to live each day with a smile, pretending everything is ok. Hurting him self as a source of comfort and all the time I didn't know. The mere thought of it made his heart ache; he placed a hand on the door, sniffing away the tears that fell to his nose. At this point in time he didn't care about his tough cool guy appearance or his hatred of chick flick moments all that mattered was Sammy. He then spoke the words that he always wanted to say to Sam.

'I-I love you man.'

There was silence and just when Dean was about to breakdown again a small whisper, nearly inaudible came from the bathroom and touched both men in the room.

'I love you too Dean.'

Breathing a sigh of relief he rested he head against the coldness of the door oblivious that Sam was in the exact same position on the other side.

John heard every word and couldn't help a single tear fall down his cheek. Mary, if you're looking down on us, please, please help us get through this difficult time, he thought.

Both our boys need help.

**A/N**

**Ok, so the Dad has entered the story, do people like this idea? If you want it just to be about Dean and Sam then say.If you want me to carry on, then please review. I am waiting to get 15 reviews before I upload the completed Chapter 5 called Childhood Memories. So Read and Review! **

**Chapter 5 Teaser : **

'_Mr. Winchester, I am glad you came!'_

'_Of course.'_

'_Are you Samuel's father?'_

_Dean looked affronted, he was only 21. Although he thought it would be best to lie in this situation so his dad didn't find out._

_He cleared his throat to make it deeper 'Umm…yes that's me! What has the rascal done this time?' he said smiling._

'_Well Mr. Winchester it is quite serious.'_

_A whining came from behind the two adults and they turned around to the sulking teenager._

'_I didn't start it! He-'_

'_Be quiet this instant!' not another sound was heard out of Sam. _

'_He punched his English teacher in the face, poor Mr. Filbert might have a broken nose!'_

**Want to read more? Then review! **


	5. Childhood Memories

**Secret Shame**

**Chapter 5 Childhood Memories**

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine, I'm just borrowing them but the plot is my own.

Summary: Sam has a secret he desperately wants to keep hidden but Dean finds out.

WARNING: Deals with Self Harm and some strong language.

**Reviews:**

**Psychokittyuk: **It means a lot to me that you like the story. The wait is over so you can breathe! hehe. I am going to try and update as frequent as possible but it all depends on the spare time I have :)

**Boann: **Thanks for the correction, unfortuantly my Beta reader is away for a couple of days to Manchester so you are stuck with ill used grammer I'm afraid but feel free to correct me, I am sure there is a lot that has to be changed...enjoy the rough copy anyways!

**Elisa: **Thanks for giving people a push to review hehe! Much appreciated! I'm happy you like the story.

**Bridgett: **There is much more angst to come muwahaha! evil laugh

**All reviews: **Thank you so much for reviewing, it encourages me to write more, knowing that people actually want to read it! This chapter is a bit scattered, not much happens, just a lot of thinking but I promise the next will be really good so you will have to wait a while for that one I am afraid! So keep Reviewing people! And I will keep producing chapters!

Dean sat in a world of his own, his dad was away to get some food and Sam had yet to wake up He was thinking things over in his head, mainly remembering times when they were younger, putting bits of the puzzle together about Sam. He replayed scenes from back home when he would pick on Sammy for his floppy hair do or when they played pranks on each other, every time Dean won of course, he smiled. But there were also the bad times; times of confusion that unfortunately all made sense now. With a vacant stare Dean travelled back in time to a particular part of his memory.

_The school phoned home informing him that Sam had gotten himself in detention, which was a big surprise as he was the geek in the family. Luckily for Sam his dad was away on a hunting trip so Dean had to go down to the school which he wasn't pleased about in the least to talk to his Head Teacher. When arriving Dean knocked on the classroom door and entered to find his brother sitting gloomily at a desk in the front, he sniggered. _

'_Mr. Winchester, I am glad you came!'_

'_Of course.'_

'_Are you Samuel's father?'_

_Dean looked affronted, he was only 21. Although he thought it would be best to lie in this situation so his dad didn't find out._

_He cleared his throat to make it deeper 'Umm…yes that's me! What has the rascal done this time?' he said smiling._

'_Well Mr. Winchester it is quite serious.'_

_A whining came from behind the two adults and they turned around to the sulking teenager._

'_I didn't start it! He-'_

'_Be quiet this instant!' not another sound was heard out of Sam _

'_He punched his English teacher in the face, poor Mr. Filbert might have a broken nose! You're lucky he isn't pressing charges!'_

_Dean looked over at his little brother in surprise, something was a miss, Sam wasn't a violent person why would he attack his teacher? People he looked up to whereas Dean looked down on them._

'_I am sure there is a logical explanation, Sam isn't an aggressive child he-'_

'_I asked Samuel why he did it and his response was and I quote...' she cleared her voice while staring at Sam '…he deserved what he got, he shouldn't have grabbed me! I would do it again if I could'_

_She looked towards who she thought was Samuel's father. Dean was shocked that his brother would behave in this way especially to authority figures, he had his eyebrows raised and looked at Sam intently who was too busy scribbling in his book. Their father was always out hunting so Dean was left to bring Sam up and he knew Sam had the capability of doing great, he was too clever to throw all his chances of doing well in school away, Dean had to sort him out._

'_Sam, look at me'_

'_Get lost.'_

'_Sam! Apologise to your head teacher now.' He said sternly._

'_Why should I?' he looked up '…he deserved it'_

'_If you don't apologise in 3 seconds…' he looked fixedly at Sam '…you will be sorry!'_

_Sam laughed as he looked at his big brother knowing he wasn't his dad so he couldn't do anything to him._

'_Or what? You going to ground me?' he had a cheeky grin on his face while sitting back in his chair._

_This isn't like Sam, what has gotten into him? Well whatever it is, I'm not going to allow him to talk to me like this in front of his teacher, I have to get him home._

'_Sorry I didn't catch your name?'_

'_Mrs. Lawson, head teacher.'_

_He smiled sincerely 'Mrs. Lawson, thank you for making me aware of this situation but if you don't mind I would like to take him home now and talk to him about it there.'_

_She didn't look like she wanted to comply but another smile from Dean made her change her mind._

'_Of course, he has detention for a week and I'm sure you will assign him the punishment he deserves?'_

'_You can count on it' he let his smile drop as he grabbed Sam by the arm and led him out the door._

'_Thank you Mrs. Lawson'_

'_Let go of me!' Sam squealed._

_Once outside the classroom Dean pinned his little brother up against the wall._

'_Alright punk, what's going on!'_

'_Dean, don't touch me!'_

_He gripped on Sam's shoulders tighter with a menacing look forcing Sam to wince._

'_We are going home now and if you don't do as I say I'm telling dad and he will tan your hide, are we clear?'_

_Sam gulped in fear but nodded and shuffled along outside and into the car. When in his seat he rubbed the place where Dean had gripped him so tightly. Dean noticed the movement and smirked._

_When they arrived home Sam went to run upstairs to his room but Dean held him back by his bag that was on his shoulders. _

'_Not so fast. Living room. Now!' he ordered._

_His little brother traipsed into the room and sat on the couch looking miserable._

'_Tell me exactly what happened.'_

'_You wont believe me.' He mumbled_

'_Try me.'_

'_Fine, he started shouting at me for no reason, I was talking to- I mean I was doing my work and he came over and pulled me away and then there was a struggle and I fell then he grabbed me again and I punched him. Total self defence Dean!'_

'_Hmm…I'm sure there are two sides to the story.'_

'_See! I knew you wouldn't believe me! You never do!'_

_Sam hit the sofa's crème arm rest in a rage and sat there staring at the wall._

'_You're a teenager, of course your going to lie, I was one too remember!'_

'_Well I'm nothing like you, thank god!'_

_Dean composed his expression and said in a monotone voice, 'Right fine. If you're going to be like that then I have one way to resolve this. You're grounded. No going out after school and no T.V, you got that?'_

'_Are you taking the piss?'_

'_Language!' he reprimanded_

'_You're not my Dad! I don't have to do what you say!' Sam said outraged_

_Dean leaned closer, 'YES! You do! Or Dad will find out about it and I'm sure he wouldn't waste his time grounding you…'_

_Sam didn't reply so Dean carried on, 'Are we cool?'_

'_How long?' he mumbled_

'_What?'_

'_How long am I grounded for?' Sam said reluctantly. It was obvious he wasn't happy about this but it was better than his dad finding out then he probably wouldn't be able to sit down for a week._

_Smiling slightly Dean said, 'Two weeks is enough I think'_

_Sam bit down on his tongue then stood, kicking the couch as he left and slamming his bedroom door upstairs._

_Dean shook his head, it was hard trying to be the cool big brother and the father. He stared vacantly at Sam's empty seat when something caught his eye. The arm rest had blood on it, crouching closer he noticed it was wet, had Sam gotten himself hurt?_

_Running upstairs he went into Sam's room to find it empty, confused he called out his name._

'_I'm in the shower'_

_He walked to the bathroom but didn't hear any water running._

'_Sam why don't I hear water running?'_

_Next thing the water was heard pouring out the shower head. _

'_Sam are you ok? Have you hurt yourself?'_

'_Wha-what do you mean?'_

'_There is blood on the sofa.'_

'_Oh! Umm I'm fine, just cut my hand when I fell today but it's ok.'_

'_Ok, well if you're sure!' he frowned._

Ring…ring…ring

Dean was yanked out of his memories by the sound of his phone ringing, he quickly grabbed it and answered.

'Hello.'

'Dean, it's dad. Listen…I have to go-'

'Woah, where are you?'

'I'm driving down the Interstate-'

'Dad! What are you talking about?'

'Listen son! I have a new lead on the demon! I got a phone call from an old friend, he gave me my next location I need to go-'

'Where? We'll come aswell-'

'No son! You stay and look after your brother, I will be gone a week at least. Take care of yourselves! Tell Sam…tell him I'm sorry but it's important.'

'What about your speech? Saying how we need to stick together as a family and-'

'Dean I don't have time for this! I'm gaining on it! I have given you an order, look after Sammy, no more hunting till I get back, I will see you soon.'

Then he was gone. Hanging up the phone Dean sat with his hands on his head, what am I going to do? I can't do this alone. He looked over at Sam who he thought was still sleeping but he found him sitting up in bed, staring right back.

'He's gone isn't he?'

Dean looked unsure what to say but said, 'Yeah he is, but he will be back in a week-'

'Yeah right. Then when a week is up it will be another phone call…' he began to mimic John's voice '…I'm sorry boys but I have a new lead, I'm so close.'

'It's the same all the time Dean.'

'Yeah.' He whispered

Both boys looked sad, they should be used to their Dad constantly leaving but it still hurt when he did. Dean stood up and stretched motioning for Sam to follow him.

'Do you want to take a walk?

'Uhh sure.'

Sitting in the Motel bar, cheesy music played as they drank their third round. It was quite busy and the two boys had found a small table over near the corner. Dean constantly glanced at Sam which irritated him, 'Dude quit it! I'm not going to fall to pieces!'

'I didn't do anything.' He feigned innocence, smiling

'Yeah whatever.'

'Oh somebody is cranky this evening!' He cooed jokingly

Sam took another swig of his drink and missed the worried look Dean sent him which was gone when he lowered his bottle.

'Want a game of pool? I will kick your ass!'

'Sure why not?'

They both went over to the pool table and broke. Just as Sam was about to take his turn a rough voice from behind said, 'Hey! That's my table!'

He spun around and faced a scruffy biker man, Dean came to his side to see what the problem was.

'What's the matter? We're playing here!' Dean said

'No your not, we are so get out my way freaks!'

He grabbed Sam to push him away when he gasped loudly and tried to pull away, getting himself into a panic. The biker thought that he wanted to fight so grabbed him again to take a swing when Sam squealed 'Dean!'

Snap!

The biker dropped to the floor after Dean whacked the pool cue over his head. Smiling at his work he helped Sammy up off the floor. Everyone else in the bar carried on with what they were doing, leaving the biker man on the floor.

'Are you alright?' he said, quickly scanning his little brother for any injuries.

'I'm fine, just got a fright…' he sighed '…go on already, make fun of me.'

Sam waited for the tirade of jokes and insults of how he was a cry baby and couldn't fight to save his life.

Dean just stared at him weirdly, 'Lets head home Sam'

Surprised Sam said, 'Uhh sure!'

Stepping over the unconscious biker they walked back to their room.

'Oh wait!' Dean said.

'What is it?'

'I have to do something. I will be right back…' he said while running off to the Motel gift shop.

Puzzled Sam stood waiting on his brother to return when he seen him head his way 2 minutes later with…a packet of chips.

'Chips? You went to the shop to get chips?' now it was Sam's turn to look at his brother weirdly.

Munching a mouthful he said, 'Yeah? So? Oh sorry, do you want some?'

He offered to Sam who refused, 'No you eat them up Dean, looks like you're starving.' He said with raised eyebrows as he sniggered.

'Mmm…'

Shrugging Dean went and let them into the room throwing the keys on the table. As usual Sam went to change in the bathroom which left Dean with a perfect opportunity to do what he was about to do. Putting the decoy bag of chips down he pulled out a whoopee cushion that was tucked in the back of his pants under his jacket. He smiled as he placed it under Sam's bed sheets ready for him to go to bed. The bathroom door unlocked and he jumped into his own bed out of breathe.

Suspicious looking Sam asked, 'What were you doing?' he looked about the room.

'Nothing, are you going to bed?' he asked innocently, trying to keep a straight face.

'Yeah…'

Sam walked over and grabbed the chips off the table to bring over to the bed and turned the lights out while Dean switched on the bedside lamp.

Passing Dean his chips who saluted him mockingly he then proceeded to jump into bed when there was a loud farting noise and Dean couldn't hold it in any longer.

'Hahahahaha….oh man look at your face! Classic!' he held his stomach as he laughed hard.

Sam scowled at him but smiled a little at the stupidity of it, that's Dean for you.

'What age are you Dean? That's so lame, you used to do that when I was like 6!'

'Hehe and it is still funny!'

Sam genuinely smiled and it became bigger when he remembered a prank he done to Dean when his brother was about 15 and he was 11.

'I think the best prank of all was when I pretended to be your girlfriend on the phone and told you I was breaking up with you…' he laughed so hard he struggled to breathe.

'…you were like please Kirsty don't break up with me, we can work it out! Is it cause I call you my snuggle bunny because I will stop! ...'

Dean stared at him with a straight face remembering when he had done that. His brother was young and his squeaky voice could easily pass for a girls. Kirsty had been his first love and when he thought she was breaking up with him he was distraught that he nearly started crying on the phone.

'Shut up! I didn't say that! And it wasn't funny Sam!' he said angrily

Still laughing Sam said, 'Oh man! It so was, you were nearly in tears until I couldn't hold in the laughter any longer, you could hear me laughing from the next room!'

'Yeah then I kicked your ass! Remember that?' he said now smiling as Sam's smile dropped.

'Hmm…it was the best one though even though I paid for it afterwards!' he said remembering the good old days.

'I wish we were still kids.' Sam said '…It was fun back then…'

'It sure was!' he smiled while turning out the light 'Night Sammy!'

'Mmhm night'

For the first time in a while both boys fell into a dreamy sleep of good memories that made them smile as they surrendered to their unconscious.

**Please Read and Review guys! D**


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